Hymen Haikus: September 2010

Thursday, September 30, 2010

The Settling of America

Indians were like
Pubic lice of virgin lands
(The forests were pubes)

They lived off the land
Annoying but not harmful
Then the white man "came"

When razing the pubes
The lice started dying off
With nowhere to live

They ravaged the land
Bursting the New World's cherry
A New Problem born

Whoring out the land
Can ferment new STDs
Now white men have AIDS
-White

U2

I'm willing to bet
Bono and Edge frequently
Tag team virgin girls
-White

The Real Flintstones

With Wilma ravaged
and Fred elated, he yells
Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
-White

The Johnstown flood of 1889

First cherries are like

The dam breaking at Johnstown

Epic destruction

-White

The Virgin Mary

Only once in time
Did a baby pop cherry
It was Christ himself
-White

Tasting Like Tuna

If on her first time
She's tasting like tuna, she's
Off to a bad start
-White

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

The Nutcracker

She made me nut hard
It was the first date, felt great
That cherry's long gone
- Brother

A Sweet Treat

One press of the head
She will dispense cherry Pez
I only get one?
-Monte

Churrascaria

Brazil's first-class meal
Slice me off a piece of that
All you can eat meat
-White

Tic Tacs

The Tic Tac sized hole
Is not exactly built for
Inserting Tic Tacs
-White

Elasticity

I know it's frail but
How much elasticity
Does the hymen have?
-White

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Fidel

Mr. Castro had
35,000 women.
Cuba's a "red" state
-White/Monte

Theodore Bagwell

Hide that hymen quick

T-Bag is amazing with

His misuse of dick

-White

Picking Nose

She was into him,
And almost gave it up, but,
Then he picked his nose
-White

Jenna Jameson

Jenna Jameson:
Did she ever have hymen?
I always wonder
-White

The Truth Revealed

Her hair's dyed brown but

The color of her pubes show

She is a ginger

-White

Uncharted Adventure

The ascent begins
Uncharted territory
What the fuck is this
-G. Clinton

First Email Submission: Salty Delight

A salty delight
I think I will have a snack
Yum yum yum yum yum
-G. Clinton

Monday, September 27, 2010

Rojo Mojo

Her Rojo Mojo
Was red and tasty, although
Very very cheap
-White

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Dolly Parton

Dolly Parton's curves

Sharp enough to puncture the

Delicate hymen

-Ford

Dictionary Definition

Webster defines it:
"A fold of mucous membrane
closing off the vag"
-White

Kenny Rogers

It is so unfair

Kenny Rogers took many

But looks so haggard

-White

Smooth Jazz Seduction

Sexy clarinet

Kenny G woos the hymen

Right onto his dick

-Ford

Pogo Stick

Pogo stick (noun): a
Risky method of travel,
A dangerous game.
-Ford

Family Involvement

Always illegal
Involving the family
In the hymen breach
-White

Guessing Games

Playing "guess her muff"
Doesn't help prove or disprove
Hymen existence
-Ford

Papercut

Despite what you think
A paper cut is enough
To cut it in half
-White

Susceptible

When I get this drunk
I'm worried that my hymen
Is susceptible
-Ford

Weeping Willow

If she were a tree
She'd be a weeping willow
Crying for her loss
-White

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Sumerians

The Sumerians
Called chastity "Wet Lettuce"
What were they thinking?
-White

Coke Cans

I watched a porno
She fit a coke can inside
Care for cherry coke?
-White

I Must Sometimes Study

College is very tough
Sometimes it's difficult to
Tell the hymen woes
-White

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Magnolia

Tom Cruise, a prophet
In Magnolia proclaimed
"No puss has nine lives."
-White

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Masturbation League

The American

All-male masturbation league

Never gets hymen

-Ford

Friday, September 17, 2010

Soreness

If I close my eyes

Pretend that he isn't in

Will it still be sore?

-White

Talking Vagina

If pussy could talk
It would likely stutter when
The hymen ruptures
-White

Thursday, September 16, 2010

A Passionate Night

One night when I was
Seventeen, my first girlfriend
Told me a secret

She leaned over and
Whispered gently in my ear
"Let's go all the way"

My pulse quickened as
I gazed deeply in her eyes
And removed my pants

I still had much to
Learn, but I was quite ready
To penetrate her

Standing before her
I felt no embarrassment
As I was erect

She gasped at the sight
Such a proud and wise young man
Doing cock push-ups

She laid on her back
Spreading her creamy white thighs
I mounted her fast

The room was full of
Lust and very bad pop songs
From the radio

I watched as a few
Salty tears spilled from her eyes
Such strange emotions

I could only think
That she must have been happy
Like really happy

The kind of happy
Where you start to cry because
You're fucking happy

So I leaned in close
And asked her "are you happy?"
She takes a deep breath

And replies loudly
"No, you're pulling on my hair!"
I apologize

Then I continue
To thrust like a champion
A smile on my face

Things are slippery
And wet and feeling quite strange
I briefly glance down

Immediately
I regret that decision
Because there is blood

Not a lot of it
But enough to make me gag
Because it's real gross

But I am not a
Quitter, so I carry on
Like the fucking man

About half an hour
Had passed by since we began
I was getting tired

I looked down at her
Because I thought she passed out
You know, from the sex

But she was awake
And really into it now
So harder I humped

I humped until I
Could no longer muster the
Strength to hump again

With one final thrust
I collapsed on top of her
Feeling triumphant

Then I rolled over
Gently kissed her on the lips
And played some xbox
-Muni